I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
