I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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