fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
