I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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