idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
