don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
