I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
