Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
All the doctor said was why
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
