he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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