Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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