guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
