If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
