I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
