if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
