I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
