i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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