You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
