this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
