I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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