Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
