Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize