nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
