just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
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