I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
