I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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