i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
