I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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