dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
