I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
