DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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