i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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