You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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