i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
you had me at cake vodka
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
