If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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