Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
