hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize