Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
His hands were made for my vagina.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
