Pappa wants mamma naked
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
