Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
