I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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