I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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