i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
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