broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
