Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
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