so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
The feeling are messing with the penis
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
