I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
