you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
