ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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