don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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