I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Randomize
