At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i think i have two assholes
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
