she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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