He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
