did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
