Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
