My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
