my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
foreskin is a definite game changer
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
