I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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