I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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