blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
