You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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