I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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