I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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