when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
