I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize